week 10 EOC lawyer jokes

Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
http://www.iciclesoftware.com/LawJokes/IcicleLawJokes.html
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first
lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

http://www.ahajokes.com/law035.html

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
        A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
        A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Guess Who
        A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
        His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
        "But why?" asks the man.
        "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
.
The Truck Driver, Priest, and Lawyer
        A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
        One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
        "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
        "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
        "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
        Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
        Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
        "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Lawyer.htm

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?

A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/766.php

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

http://www.manwalksintoajoke.com/lawyers